Random Thoughts Monday March 21: The Travel Version

I flew out from JFK in NYC out to LAX in LA this morning. I starting jotting down some notes while in the TSA line: 

  • If you don’t know how to use a computer PLEASE don’t try to use the kiosk check ins. Jesus, you’d think some of these people have never seen a computer before.
  • The labyrinth you have to go through to actually get to ritual of taking off your shoes, and opening yourself to potential molestation, makes me feel like a mouse looking for cheese. It’s not a very pleasant feeling.
  • No matter how angry or frustrated you may get, take a look around you, there is always someone way angrier than you. Don’t be that person. Ever.
  • Am I the only who gets nervous knowing the pilot and co-pilot are meeting for the first time before they fly? Not that I expect a Goose and Maverick type bond, but still…
  • Make no mistake, the TSA is the new DMV. If you loose your cool with them, they’ll just send you to the back of the line or have you arrested. Best to keep cool daddy-o.
  • Osama Bin Laden and Al Qaeda didn’t just give us 9/11, they gave us an expanded TSA and a consistently awful (sometimes horrible) air travel experience. I don’t wanna downplay 9/11, but this sort of residual awfulness has to feel like an added bonus to them. Fuckers. 
  • If you don’t think there is income disparity in commercial air travel, you haven’t flown in the last five years.
  • When I was a kid, my parents made us dress up to fly. Now? Christ, you’re lucky people even wear pants.
  • Every male gate attendant sounds like Marty Funkhauser from Curb Your Enthusiasm. Every male flight attendant sounds like Jim Parsons from The Big Bang Theory.
  • They delay you getting ON the plane only to cajole you and rush you into sitting down so they can take off. It’s kind of an abusive relationship.
  • Airline food is still pretty awful, now you just pay for it. How’s that for a’la carte pricing? BTW, CAN I PLEASE JUST HAVE THE WHOLE CAN OF DIET COKE?!
  • Even if you start from a base of “all commercial air travel sucks”, don’t fret friends, airlines will find a way to make it worse.

Look, not all air travel is awful. I suspect private jets rule, but can’t confirm that. If you are one of the George Clooney Up in the Air types and have super platinum status, the TSA pre-check or your company doesn’t mind paying for all the bells and whistles of air travel, maybe it’s better.

But if you’re a schlep like me all you can really do is grin and bear it and try not to be that guy.

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