Williamsburg, Brooklyn Has Jumped the Shark

For the past seven years, I’ve lived in Brooklyn. New York.

Before moving to Williamsburg, the worldwide epicenter of hip, I lived in Billyburg’s kissing cousin, Greenpoint. Both have been subjected to an aggressive gentrification agenda. One of the most aggressive in recent years.

With gentrification comes hipsters.

A lot of hipsters.

Revelation 9:3-10 “Then from the smoke came locusts on the earth, and they were given power like the power of scorpions of the earth.

I’m not saying hipsters are like locusts…I’m just sayin…

Unfortunately, it appears that as bad as it is now, it’s only going to get worse.

Here are the planned renderings of the waterfronts in Williamsburg and Greenpoint:

grrenpoint waterfront2
Proposed rendering of Greenpoint waterfront.
Proposed rendering of Domino Sugar Factory complex.

I’m not going to bore you with an arcane post about what this does to the neighborhood OR how it’s going to pretty much cripple an already overcrowded train line OR how only a fraction of these proposed buildings will be made available as affordable housing (which is still pretty unaffordable to most) OR that  those lucky enough to get one of the affordable housing units may be required to use apoor door (an entirely different entrance to access the affordable housing units…bizarrely such a thing exists and is not only legal, but required in order to receive coveted tax abatement), no, no, I won’t bore you with that.

I’m more concerned about the people who are bum rushing the neighborhood, guys like this:


I may live at the hipster ground zero and dress more for comfort than fashion AND sport a beard, no, no, I am not a hipster. I don’t have a trust fund that will allow me to subsist on my Etsy & Brooklyn Flea Market earnings. I also don’t have access to any family money that would be willing to support such a skinny jeaned existence.

Speaking of beards and hipsters, a friend of mine sent me an article outlining how some of these trust fund transplants in Williamsburg and Greenpoint are now paying upwards of $8,500 for…wait for it…no no, really, wait for it…beard transplants.

Yep. You read that correctly. Beard transplants.

I know, I know. You’re saying to yourself “But Keith, you have a beard! Isn’t that a prerequisite for being a hipster in Williamsburg? ” Indeed, I do and yes, it would appear that a beard does gain you access into the area.

However, my beard grew the old-fashioned way: being single and lazy coupled with good genes and bad decisions.

In other words, my beard grew like a man.

However stupid I may think it is, and trust me I think a beard transplant is monumentally dumb, if you wanna spend that $8500 because you have neither the genes nor life experience OR patience to grow one, fine. If you wanna have pubic plugs jammed into your face, I say “Have at it! You sir, are a tool.”

Overall, I also have nothing against hipsters. Sure, they can be annoying, self-righteous, entitled, clueless, arrogant, off-putting and giant assholes, etc. but I don’t believe the majority of them are bad people. Truth is, we were all probably some of those things, and more, when we were in our mid-20’s.

It’s a safe bet that however idiotic we may have been at that age, we were never so shallow that we would have gone to a doctor to consider having a retarded physical alteration in order to better fit into our peer group. Unless you count tattoos, but beard transplants and tattoos? Umm, entirely different.

And while I am concerned about the looming construction and its political and environmental implications and the overflow of monied hipsters, there is something far more insidious, creeping into the area.

Guys wearing a monocle.

06ZNOTED-articleLargeA monocle? Go fuck yourself.

Yea, that’s seriously a thing.

“I got it just to have my own style, bring something new to the table,” said Jose Vega, 23, an aspiring Miami rap musician who can be seen sporting a monocle on his SoundCloud page. “Also, I’m nearsighted.”

Near sighted in one eye apparently.

Practicality aside, when, and with whom, was wearing a monocle ever fashionable?

What next? Idiots like this are gonna walk around with a prescription magnifying glass? Wait, that might just happen.

A monocle? Come on! Aesthetics aside, they’re not practical. Unless you only have ONE EYE. I wear glasses (yes, they are Warby Parker glasses) and both of my eyes are shitty.

While it might be cool to see a guy with an eye patch and a monocle, I gotta say guys like this knob above need to go away. Far away.

Or set up a slapping booth at one of the local flea markets:

“$1 to slap the hipster with a monocle!”

This article is also from that beacon of journalism, The New York Times (albeit the blog section).
Really New York Times? REALLY?!

I can tolerate the impending doom of the waterfront development, the pork pie hats, the beards, the skinny jeans, the $2,000 I don’t give a fuck look, the vegans, the endless prattling about your brunch, the inability to decide or stand for ANYTHING, the indignant narcissism, the love of tapas, the endless parade of self righteousness…and a lot more. I have a pretty high threshold.

But a monocle? No, no, this I can not tolerate.