Everybody lies.

We want to think they don’t…but they do.

The great television doctor, Dr. Gregory House of the Fox show House, famously preached this edict. In fact, virtually every episode is centered around it. But wasn’t House the biggest liar of them all? Perhaps. Nonetheless, like it or not, we all lie.

Some people lie a little and others lie a lot. Some people tell white lies for the right reasons, others lie like its their job. For politicians and bankers, their success is predicated on their ability to lie. In fact, those jack asses are rewarded for it. But, I digress…

Over the past 15 years, I’ve embraced the idea of honesty and I try to live my life that way. I can’t say I have been 100% successful, but I can say with complete conviction that has been my goal. I try to be 100% honest, primarily because I thrive off the level of trust that accompanies it.

It’s a funny thing as you get older because you begin to realize the importance of integrity and virtue and its crucial role in self-respect.  Unfortunately, there were many years I didn’t have all that much self-respect and I lied. Not about everything of course, just shit. Stupid stuff that as I look back I scratch my head and wonder why I lied about it. Probably self preservation with a fair amount of narcissism.

Well, I thought I’d share some of them. Not in an effort to cleanse myself like some sort of digital confessional. I share them only because I am a firm believer in the idea that we all do the same type of shit, regardless of upbringing, background, education, position…whatever.

The Lie: “No Mom, that is not my bag of pot or my paraphernalia. I’m keeping it for a friend.”

The Truth: Yep, that was all mine. I smoked pot when I was in high school. A LOT of pot.

The Lie: I went to about ten colleges before I finally finished my bachelors. When I was 19 and dropping out of college number 3, and in order to get some sort of partial refund for my parents, I told the registrar that I had impregnated my girlfriend and that I had decided to go to truck driving school and learn to drive 18 wheelers.

The Truth: I didn’t want to be in college. I didn’t have a girlfriend and I certainly had no desire to drive a semi (and to know me is to know that is probably one the more absurd lies I could tell). I guess I felt I needed to have some plan for my life. I didn’t.

The Lie: I can’t begin to describe this lie. Let’s just say it involves a ping pong table, a moped, a business trip, a two week old Subaru, my friends and leaf stacks. 

The Truth:
I took my fathers new car out joyriding when I was 15 and had no license. Where I grew up, people would rake their leaves down into piles at the end of their driveways and the town would come around and suck them up. Unbeknownst to me, some people put bricks and cinder blocks in those piles to prevent idiots from driving through the leave stacks. I was one of the idiots they tried to prevent.

Teenagers are the worst, and yet most creative, liars.

The Lie: “I love you.”

The Truth: I didn’t love her, I just wanted to sleep with her. I thought I had to say that back then.

The Lie: “I just stayed after work and had a few beers.”

The Truth: I was laying the ground work to have an affair with another girl.

The Lie: “She’s just a friend!”

The Truth: She wasn’t.

The Lie: “I don’t know what’s wrong.”

liars in love
The Truth:
I did know. I wasn’t in love with you anymore.

Men are inherently selfish and cowardly. 

The Lie: I have no respect for authority.

The Truth: I have a ton of respect for people in positions of authority…who have proven they deserve to be there.

The Lie: Any job title on my resume prior to 2000.

The Truth: They were all pretty much made up.

The Lie: Actually, my resume prior to 2000.


The Truth: I tended bar and waited tables through most of the 1990’s so I made A LOT of shit up.

Big businesses are built on and thrive off of deceit. 

The Lie: I’m not on Facebook.

The Truth: I am on Facebook. I just use a pseudonym, Slim Whitcomb.

The Lie: I am a misanthrope and cynical.

The Truth: I actually love people and am wildly optimistic about what we can accomplish and do individually and together. I just don’t suffer fools or idiots very easily. And while I’m no genius, I spent way too much time as a fool and an idiot so  I can easily sniff both out.

The Lie: I don’t want this.

live in the now
The Truth:
I do want this…I also want that.

Everybody lies.

Is this every lie I have ever told in my life? I wish.