No, no, not Alcoholics Anonymous…Assholes Anonymous.
The 12 Steps of Assholes Anonymous
- We admitted we were assholes—that we’ve done really asshole-ish things to people and kinda feel bad about it…sometimes.
- Came to believe that while we are assholes, there are plenty of BIGGER assholes and that helps us keep our sanity.
- Made a decision to somewhat change our lives and hope that God, or whatever, is OK with it.
- Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves…and realized we weren’t that bad (see Step 2).
- Admitted to God, or whatever, to ourselves, and to another human being, or dog, the exact nature of our asshole-ishness.
- Were kind of ready to have God, or whatever, remove some, not all, of these defects of character (or asshole like traits).
- Humbly asked God, or whatever, to remove some, but not all, of our shortcomings…and to stop stealing the coffee mate at meetings.
- Made a list of all persons we’ve been assholes to and promise not to be that way to them again…unless they’re genuinely dicks, (I’m looking at you Kevin Aronson).
- Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when they start running through a laundry list of shit we’ve done and/or acting passive aggressively.
- Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promise to admit it…at some point later when everyone has forgotten about the severity of the transgression.
- Sought through the use of hallucinogens, barbiturates and vodka to improve our conscious contact with God, OR WHATEVER, hoping only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out…or something.
- Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other assholes, and to practice these principles in many, but not all, of our affairs.
To date, our meetings have usually disintegrated into scenes right out of Fight Club, so…yeah, you might wanna keep that in mind.
We definitely have some work to do organizationally.
We also have a “big book”…it’s just a book of fiction. A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole. Some people may ask why. You’ll have to come to our meetings to find out.
Because we’re assholes (or assholes in recovery), we hold most of our meetings in bars (that may actually explain the fights), so check your local craigslist to see where we are meeting next. We have meetings in most major cities.
Please note, while we welcome newcomers, we strongly encourage anyone in any other recovery program to not be involved with ours. Being that they’re held in bars, and step 11, it’s probably not a good idea.
We would encourage you to set up your own AA, Assholes Anonymous, meeting in a venue more conducive to maintaining your sobriety (we’re assholes, not savages).