“Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work.”
Recently, I had my 2012 performance review with my supervisor and it went strikingly well. I mean I’m not shocked, they usually go pretty well.
However, despite the accolades and praise, the fact that my “merit increase” is less than any sort of applicable cost of living increase really negates any sort of verbal praise (and I’d hate to see how lower ranked colleagues fared). Sure, it beats not having a job and, as my mother would say, it beats a sharp stick in the eye. The “merit increase” was still pathetic but not quite as infuriating as the reason I was given, but more on that next time.
Nonetheless, I thought some of my personal goals for 2013 were pretty awesome. They include, increase departmental and interdepartmental communication, morale boosting and developing a plan to redistribute interdepartmental talent.
It was made very clear that my goals are not necessarily part of my day to day job. This seemed odd to me because I communicate across no less than three different departments and I know there are a host of people in my own department who have the knowledge I need to help me function more efficiently, but alas, I was informed that my goals didn’t really fit my title.
These “goals” were really changes that people of a different professional band would make (provided they had the wherewithal to think of them) and perhaps I needed to amend my goals (I declined to do so). In less official speak, “Shut up. We’ll tell you what to do to make your job easier, even if we don’t do it and don’t really know what you do.”
The archaic top down management style of my company knows best and I kneel before its all knowing power.
However, conspicuously absent from the discussion with my supervisor was perhaps the most important of all my 2013 professional goals?
My spork analysis.
This is from my review (yep, I actually wrote this):
To help offset any cost associated with my other goals, I have developed one cost saving measure that not only saves money but also lessens our departmental carbon footprint. We use both plastic spoons and plastic forks in our kitchen and by simply switching to plastic sporks (a combination of the spoon and fork for the unfamiliar) we can save over 500% monthly! Based on the most recent Staples catalog, the following information revealed:
We can no longer ignore the flagrant abuse of corporate finances by purchasing BOTH plastic spoons AND forks! ONE case of 1000 sporks results in over 500% in savings.
In this economy, we must, as a department, lead the charge on cost saving measures while maintaining our civic responsibility.
Sporks, save money, save time, save the planet!
I know from personal experience, trying to eat Lucky Charms with a fork is both a physically and emotionally daunting task. A spork would rectify this.
Now, I can freely admit this last proposal was about 30% tongue in cheek. The remaining 70% was in earnest. We’re always running out of things in the kitchen. Plates, spoons and forks are always the quickest to go whenever the sporadic allotment arrives and is parsed out.
In fact, just yesterday it was brought to my attention that we are again out of fundamental provisions. A colleague came over to my side of the office (a more arduous and security riddled task than it sounds) to pick up a paper plate that she just happened to know was in the conference room over here. There were no paper plates in the kitchen so the next obvious place was the conference room…on the other side of the office…of course.
In all fairness to the actual review process, somewhere around the halfway mark I started tuning out and began singing the lyrics to “The Devil Went Down To Georgia” in my head. This is my go to song in times of stress and always will be. I’m still trying to figure out how on earth Johnny won that battle.